Missing What Could Have Been

This blog has given me the ability to write about some of the tough times I’ve had in the past.  And those that have read these posts & replied with encouragement have meant the world to me, so thank you.

In a prior post I talked a little about when I lost my mother in a car accident and what she meant to me.  What I didn’t talk about was the fact that my little sister was also in the car when this happened and didn’t make it.  This is a subject that is harder to write about so bear with me 🙂

My sister was seven years younger then me (I believe she was 17 years old @ the time), and that age difference meant that we didn’t have a lot of time together.  It sounds strange to say that as we did have 17 years together but that time consisted of us being kids and then myself being a teenager, which meant every waking moment was dedicated to my own needs and desires.  So when I say we didn’t have a lot of time together I mean that we didn’t get to have the relationship that I believe we were on the cusp of creating.

My sister and I were actually a lot alike.  Both very much into sports, reading, and writing.  Both shy & almost debilitatingly insecure.  I have memories of her and my other younger brother (5 year difference) outside playing football, basketball, baseball, or just jumping on a trampoline for hours at a time.

The reason I titled this post, Missing What Could Have Been, is that right before I lost her I began to realize all the ways we were alike.  I was finishing up college at the time but the last few times I visited I had actual conversations with her.  Not the “picking on the lil sis” type of conversations but adult conversations.  I had realized she was much better at sports then I was, better at school, and even though she looked up to me at that time, chances were I would soon be looking up to her for everything she was about to accomplish.  So when I lost her I ended up losing the chance to watch a beautiful girl grow into an amazing woman.  But most of all I lost someone who was probably going to end up being my best friend.

I lost her nearly 6 years ago and I still struggle with that to this day.  I will never know what we could have had, but I know what we did have.  I had a talented sister that looked up to me & loved me very much.  A sister that could look at me and make me believe I could do no wrong. She knew that I loved her and I know that she loved me.  I will always miss what could have been, but I am eternally grateful for every single day I was given with her.

To My Sister, Tabitha Danielle, I love you and miss you.

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15 Comments

Filed under Loss

15 responses to “Missing What Could Have Been

  1. Oh my, what a beautifully touching post. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some peace in knowing that your sister and mum would be SO proud of you. I can see through your posts that you’re an incredible person who radiates strength and resilience. Sending love and hope!
    x

  2. Though I’ve never been an older brother (Though when I was young I always wanted to be one), I do have two sister’s, one 4 years older, one 8 years older. Growing up, neither of them were around, the 4 years older one didn’t want to be around my mom, I think she blamed her for my dad leaving when I was probably around 2, but my dad had gotten involved with an old High School sweetheart, and had left Mom with 4 kids. Mom and Dad did give it another go some 2 years later, but Mom ended up needing to ask him to leave, she had moved on emotionally, and frankly they weren’t compatible. I remember when I was 5 thinking “Good… They weren’t a good match anyway”. So I didn’t get to see my sister’s much growing up. Now that I’m older, I do get along well with the 8 years older sister, but kind of have a hard time with the 4 years older one. She focuses on me too much when I’m around her, and I’m very easily pressured when it comes to this. When I was little, I had a couple incidents with older woman that made me feel uncomfortable, nothing sexual, just over focus, so I’m very sensitive about it. I like you was extremely shy. Part of me does wonder if I should try to be closer to my 4 years older sister, but it just feels forced. I do love here though. The same thing goes with my dad, I have a hard time with him, he seems to feel like he’s supposed to tell me how to run my life every time I just call to say hello. Fantasy Football does seem to work with him though, invited him to my league for the first time last year. To touch on your story, I’ve never had a little sister that looked up to me, only a younger brother that used to sometimes copy me, lol. But I did have a friend that was 19, I was 23 at the time, she was the ex girlfriend of a friend, and still obsessed over him. So she’d just drop by our house sometimes and say hi, but really she was looking for him. It was a bit hurtful actually, but only a little. During the 2 or 3 years that 5 or 6 of us would hang out, she would drool over this friend, who had broke up with her because he found out his dad had cancer, and he just couldn’t deal with a relationship at the time. We all had some memorable times together, one of which was skinny dipping in the ocean very late at night. The other was all of us seeing Christmas Vacation, and making a pact that we’d never tell anyone, we disliked it that much (Though when I saw it last it did have some funny moments, like the squirrel in the tree). Over that 2 or 3 years, I developed a crush on her, and definitely grew to care for and love her. Not in love maybe, but I liked her a lot. Towards the end of that 2 or 3 years, my friend that had dated her, and I, took a piano class in college together, and would go visit her afterwards. Just sit on the step of her parents home, and talk about whatever. The three of us kind of developed our separate bond. At some point the friend dropped the piano class, so we stopped going over there. The time before the last time I saw her she said I should come by after piano, but I didn’t because he wasn’t going to be with me. The last time I saw her she said you didn’t come by, and I said yeah he dropped the class, and she said “I meant just you”. A couple days later she died in a small plane crash with some friends. All of us were devastated. I never told any of them that she had wanted to see me alone, it didn’t necessarily mean we were going to get romantically involved, but it was the first time I felt she just wanted to see me. So I know what you mean by what could have been. I loved her. She was very very bright, and was just about to leave home and start college. I was very sad for what she was about to be, her whole life laid in front of her. She also left a brother behind, they could have been twins, but they were at the teenage fighting age, so he was just devastated by her death. I believe they would have been best friends like you and your sister.

    Hope my reply isn’t longer than your initial post, I tend to do that sometimes, lol

    All the best for what was, what is, and what will be

    DarkJade

    • Based on things that have happened in my life I have to believe that things happen for a reason. With that said it irritates me that I don’t understand the reasons and they don’t seem to follow any type of logic. 🙂
      I think you just have to roll with the punches that life throws your way and try to become a better person for it. Easier said then done though!

  3. It is always easier said than done. But you do roll with the punches, not because it is easy or hard, just that it is the only thing you can do.
    It is never easy to look back and think of the time you could of had or would of had with somebody, it almost always make you feel like you have been robbed or wronged. But that is just it isn’t it, we have to go through hell before we can appreciate heaven?

    Sorry for your loss, brosef. Somethings in life never make sense, no matter which way you turn the picture. In that, you aren’t alone.

    • I always tell the wife that you have emotional pain because you love something. And often the amount of pain you feel is equal to the amount of love you had for the person.
      But I agree you have to roll with the punches and it is a LOT easier said then done 🙂
      And thanx!

  4. That was very beautiful, sad and uplifting. Very courageous of you to write about it.

  5. I’m so sorry. One of the most difficult things about dealing with death is thinking about the “what might have been”s. It can drive a person crazy, obsessing about it, wishing for it. It sounds to me like you’re not in that place – you’re dealing with the grief and sorrow and you haven’t become numbed and bitter by the hard experiences you’ve gone through. I admire your strength, and thank you for sharing this with us.

    • Thanks.
      Having this blog and being able to throw my emotions onto the screen actually helps quite a lot. I started this blog to motivate me to write and it has ended up transforming into a giant therapy session 🙂

  6. Thank you for this beautiful, touching post. I hope you find the peace that comes with time and family and friends.

  7. Writing is extremely cathartic – it is a way of letting out emotions in a calm and dignified way. I am so sorry for your loss but this dedication to your sister only goes to show how much you love and miss her. It is incidents such as these that make us all reason just how much we have to be glad about. Thank you for your comment on my ‘Transition’ post – I agree that sometimes the season can be a deadly cycle. It’s very much “the grass is always greener on the other side”.

  8. Like the people above, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Writing can be extremely cathartic and therapeutic, and I propped myself up a couple of years ago through writing after a difficult time in my life. I wish you well.

  9. Thank you for writing from your heart and expressing your feelings… I know for me writing has helped heal some things while others are still to painful to put into words just yet… I don’t want to just say I admire you and I appreciate you and your courage… cause that is a given… I want to say “I like you”… and I think you are a truly gifted writer…I agree with the others… your Mother and Tabitha Danielle would be so proud of the man you are today.
    Take care,
    Lisa

  10. pharphelonus

    Very moving tribute. Thanks for visiting my stuff to turn me on to yours. I think you are blessed to be able to have perspective on how your relationship was really just beginning because of your age difference and to be able to see her clearly as what she had become and was becoming as more than your little sister. It’s great to hold those we lose so fondly and so close.

  11. I could only cry while reading this.

    Writing has always helped me. It was completely cathartic and therapeutic in the toughest of times. Truly a gift from God. It helped me keep my sanity.

    The love between siblings and family is universally shared. I wish the grief somehow gets easier for you and you realize that someday we will all be together with those we love.

    I wish you and your family the best of love and luck in the world 🙂
    Peace

  12. Pingback: The Return Of Pure Joy | Nothing To Read Here

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