How Best To Exploit My (Future)Child

As many of you are aware my wife is currently pregnant.  This is our first child together which means that our lives are soon going to change very drastically.  This also means while my spawn is cooking in her belly we need to start making plans for the future.  Safety proofing the house, setting up its room, setting up a college fund, finding a babysitter, and finding ways to exploit it for my financial gain.

There is the Professional Athlete road.  Most professional sports pay very well but it would be in my best interest if I steered them towards basketball, football, or baseball.

Based on my extensive research it appears that is the best way to get a big paycheck down the road, as well as various houses and cars.  The downfall of course is that this can be time consuming and cost money.  I will have to take them to various practices and games, not to mention getting them into athletic camps to help mold them into a human money generator.  Not only that but I will have to push them incredibly hard and make sure they realize the only way to get daddy’s love is to be the best, which could take a lot of work on my part.  Plus there is the Tiger Woods scenario where they will make a ton of money but due to the physiological issues  of not having a normal childhood they will do something incredibly stupid.  Sure I will already have a great payday but it could be embarrassing when I try to go hang out at the country club.

Then there is the musical prodigy route.

Musical artists make lots of money and due to their popularity can start new trends.  This will give me an extra source of revenue once I start a new brand of clothing in their image.  There are some risks though.  One, they might not have any musical talent, which isn’t necessarily required but can make it harder to break into the biz.  Second in order to gain popularity I will need to have my prodigy dress “risque”, so if my child is a girl then is a possibility for early pregnancy due to the inappropriate clothing they will have to wear.  This will not generate any money & could actually cost me money down the road.

These are only a couple of the things I am considering at this time.  My wife is not due until March so I have plenty of time to come up with ideas before I have to start implementing them.  My wife has not been much help though as she seems to have a problem with the whole “exploitation” thing, but I am sure I can get her to come around to my way of thinking.


Also just in case I haven’t made it clear, I’m kidding  🙂



Filed under Humor, Life

14 responses to “How Best To Exploit My (Future)Child

  1. Marcie Hill

    Ok, that was funny. But the best way to great a “human money generator” is to capitalize off its natural talents. So, if the kid is a dancer, pay for those classes and costumes and camps, but make sure to encourage him or to in turn teach classes and give you half. Whatever they do, become the silent partner and make him or her pay you.

    Thanks for this. I enjoyed reading it.

  2. Or sell the newborn to a childless couple on the black market.

    I mean discuss it with your partner first obviously, to sell a child without both parents consent is just immoral.

    Just kidding. …

  3. Great post 🙂 This made me laugh out loud. And again, congratulations!

  4. Congrats! Having a baby will give you LOTS of comical fodder for writing.

  5. I’m so glad your kidding (and you ARE a great kidder)! I found this out the hardest of hard ways: no matter how wonderful your child(ren) is/are, they will choose their own path and will see every drop of wisdom you have as nonsense until they become parents. It’s some kind of natural law that will probably be defunct by the time they grow up–but, for now, count on it! 🙂

  6. or you could just get a dog and exploit him instead!

  7. My younger sister is due in January. Reading this, I chuckled and reflected how you and her husband would get along juuust fine. 😉

  8. You could try acting as well. Kind of a long wait for pay-off and you have to bank on appearance a bit, but hey.

    (Congrats, by the way)

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