The Return Of Pure Joy


I will admit that I used to sing along with music in my car. I also may have “moved” to the music. Not full on dancing mind you, but enough movement that someone in an adjacent car would be thoroughly convinced that I was either psycho or having a minor seizure. Those were the times that I was at my happiest. The singing and dancing wasn’t the cause it was the result. When everything was going great in my life I would lose myself to the moment acting a fool and singing along to a song that I probably hated. I bring this up because it had been over 5 years since the last time I had gotten lost like this.

The last time this happened I was on my way back home from college. I wasn’t heading home for the weekend but for my wife and I’s wedding and Honeymoon in good ole Disney World. This was also unfortunately the weekend I lost my mother and sister in a car accident. For those of you who have been following me for awhile this is already something I have blogged about. Things of course changed after that and I did a LOT of growing up shortly after.

I almost stopped listening to music entirely. The main reason initially was when I listened to music I couldn’t control my emotions. I never returned because it was only in moments of pure joy that I got lost and acted like an idiot. It wasn’t that I didn’t have my share of happy moments afterwards but for the first time in my life I had real problems that seemed to prevent me from achieving that pure I-don’t-care-if-I-look-like-an-idiot-or-lack-any-muscial-talent happiness.

Now I said at the beginning it HAD been 5 years since the last time I had done this. This last Monday I was driving home from work and realized that I was not only “moving” to the music but I was also butchering the song I was listening to on the radio. This just happened to be the same day my wife and I found out that the little creature growing in her belly is a BOY!!! When I realized what I was doing & why, I may have shed a tear or two πŸ™‚

I can’t express in words how excited (and at the same time terrified) I am for this little guy to get into the world. I hope that I will be able to provide for him the same way my parents provided for me. I always regretted that I couldn’t pay my mother back for all she did for me, all the sacrifices she made. Yet if I was able to provide her with even one moment like the one I had this past Monday because of my future child, then maybe I already had. Having so much joy that your body can no longer contain it causing it to spew forward in the form of horrible car-dancing and singing is priceless.

So in summation if you drive past a Kia Forte that is emanating an unearthly sound & also happens to contain an individual convulsing uncontrollable, don’t call 911. That is just me being excited for my future son.

Follow me on twitter @TaureanWriter

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20 Comments

Filed under Loss, Writing

20 responses to “The Return Of Pure Joy

  1. I too remember when I used to do a lot of Car Dancing… 1998… It was a huge year for me, as a very long relationship had just ended, one that I was very unhappy in as it turned out… It was my first love, so I stayed in it a good 4 years too long… Anyway, from that point I went on to Start a Band, and later Pursued Film Making, two things I couldn’t do whilst being in that relationship, due to primarily lack of emotional support. Beyond that, I have read about the loss of your mom and sister, and I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with the loss of my mom… We are ridiculously close… In fact I recently wrote this poem http://darkjade68.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/blue/ after she had, had to visit the Cardiologist three times in one week, as she is 70. Anyway, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a child coming into my life… But I too would likely start to dance as you did. Gratz and good luck with it all. My Brother has two Boys, and it has been an amazing experience for him. Parenting brings out the best, and worst in a person, so it will surely test your Romantic Relationship. But as far as the Fathering Part, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Fake it till yah know it, yah know.

    DarkJade-

  2. Congrats papa… You must be over the moon. Keep car-dancing!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss, but it is truly a blessing that you can take something positive from what you’ve gone through. I’m sure your writing is deeply motivated by the love for literature you both shared.

    And congratulations on your little boy! We just found out that my best friend is having a boy as well. πŸ™‚

  4. Janece

    Hi there. I have tears in my eyes as I read this, and the two posts you referenced about the loss of your mom and sister. My mother’s heart breaks for you, and yet, I know with every fiber of my being how proud she would be to read your words…how joyful…and full of love.

    Forgive me for being presumptuous, because I don’t know you. But I am a mother of a grown son myself (he is 25). He is a Taurus (May 1), and I am the grandmother of a wonderful little boy. My son and I share the love of writing. We, too, are very alike. And I have a daughter who is 24.

    So maybe there might be just a little bit of something that feels *connected* to you. And if you were my son…if I were your mom…I would absolutely ask you to PLEASE

    KEEP ON DANCING AND SINGING!

    Love, from a stranger.

  5. Wow, I was coming over to thank you for the kind words you left on my post and now I am beyond thrilled for you. Believe me when I assure you that you must have given your mom moments of spaz out joy (after all you must have gotten it from someone) but I am sure she is still dancing, now more than ever. Congratulations.

  6. Congratulations on your little guy. Keep on car-dancing – it’s the best way to enjoy a song and show off your happy mood πŸ™‚

  7. May your son be born with happy feet. Now you don’t have to worry about investing in a shotgun when your daughter starts dating, just really good insurance for when he breaks bones because he was climbing trees.

    On a completely shallow and superficial and not at all deep story. The other day I was driving home from work, deadlocked in traffic. I have my windows up because I am blasting music. Since I am not moving anytime soon, I am slowly going through burnt cds I made years ago. I come across, get ready for this, Star Wars Gangsta Rap.
    The passing looks of disgust and contempt were hilarious. The only thing that Buick full of old people heard was the bass, but inside my car, Yoda was being a soldier, and he thought he told ya.

  8. I made the decision to take my mother off life support on Good Friday back in 2002. The entire family was supposed to be there to help support me while I signed the stacks and stacks of papers and met with her doctors, but when the day came, nobody showed up until it was time to say the final goodbye. (I’m not sure if they were planning to show up then or not, but I made a few “convincing” phone calls. That seemed to “convince” the majority of my loved ones to get their tushies to the hospital, PRONTO!)
    For years, I HATED the Easter holiday. I hated everyhting about it because not only did it remind me of my mother’s death, it made me think of the feelings of loss and abandonment by the people I loved that were still living. I think that was almost worse than my mother dying.
    When my son was born, I knew things had to change. He’s my family now. I am HIS mother. Easter can’t be focused around me feeling sorry for the losses in my life. This past Easter, I made it through the entire holiday without thinking of her death. My focus was on happier things. It was a HUGE step for me.
    I’m happy you found your love of music again. I’m happy you were able to find your joy.
    Take Care!
    Juli

    • Beautifully put!
      Congrats on being able to transform that day from one of pain to one of love.
      When my father started having health problems and passed away a lot of his side of the family were not there & it caused me to look at them a different way. But I was there, and no matter what happens I plan on being there for my little one. So I plan on taking the mistakes I have observed (and been a part of) throughout my 30 years of life and learning from them to help my little guy grow up into a great person. πŸ™‚

  9. The payback comes in the form of “Daddy, I love you,” and similar moments.
    Congratulations on your son and the return of your uncontrollable joy.

  10. Hey Tauren, I wanted to take a moment to invite you to be an Author or Guest Author on my New Site The Dark Globe http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-dark-globe-breathe-it-to-life/. It’s a Site Designed to bring together Writer’s, Photographer’s etc. on one Site. There are several Sections I feel you could Contribute to, but the one that comes to mind is “The Writer and His/Her Craft”. You seem to Write a lot about The Writer’s Craft on your Blog, which is one of the reasons I keep coming back. Anyway, if you’d like to Write a Post, or Post whenever you like on the Site, let me know and I will make you an Author on the Site. I’ll just need an E-mail Address to make you an Author, you can make one up if you’d like. You can let me know here, or on the Site under The Crew Page.

    Thanks
    DarkJade-

  11. Wow I’m a little bit of a sucker for baby news and I definitely don’t apologise for it having suffered a miscarriage Christmas 2006 (thanks Santa) and going on to have a wonderful little boy, so I couldn’t help but feel my eyes moisten at reading this. Congratulations! Am very pleased for you and am also glad you found the spirit to get some of that car-dancing groove back. Good on you!

  12. Nice piece. We definitely need more blogs that can be tagged with lines like ‘car dancing.’

  13. Congratulations! What a thrill. Reason to celebrate inside out.

    Wanted to let you know I’m linking to you in a post tomorrow called Cutting Room Floor. It’s deals with editing and your post about your favorite (and least favorite) parts of the writing process was part of the inspiration.

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