Category Archives: Humor

How I Asked For An Amazon Kindle Fire

Hey beautiful how are you doing this morning?  Oh this?  This is just the breakfast I made you, I thought you might enjoy having it in bed.  What do I want?  I want the same thing I have wanted since we got married, for you to be the happiest woman alive.  But since you asked there is something I would love to tell you about.

First off, do you realize that you look just as young as you did when we first met?  That is just amazing to me.  Second did you know that Amazon is getting ready to release their own tablet called the Amazon Kindle Fire?


What is a tablet you ask?  You know what the Ipad is?  Kinda like that.  So why would one need a tablet, oh my dear there are so many reasons.

You know how you don’t like my Kindle because you can’t really read magazines on it?  Well the Fire is in color, plus not only can you get magazines on it, but some magazines will include audio and interactive articles specifically for the Fire.  So you say you’re not really into magazines?  Wow I didn’t realize this until just now but it really looks like you have lost quite a bit of weight lately, you are looking good.


I remember just the other day you were complaining that my Ipod Touch’s screen was too small & you wished it was a little larger for when you want to play games on it.  Well you’ll be happy to know the Fire has a 7″ display.  What do you mean too big?  How is it my Ipod is too small, but the Fire is too big?  Who are you goldie locks?  I mean…….you skin is looking fantastic.  I can tell you have gotten a lot of sun & that moisturizer is doing wonders!

I know you love your laptop but also hate carrying it around with you all the time.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have a small device on our living room table that you could pick up and just surf the net to your heart’s delight?  Of course you can still type…….the keyboard is on the touchscreen……no it’s not really that difficu……I’m sure you can learn to….we haven’t spent much time with your mother we should go out & eat with her this weekend.

Alright lastly, you know that little child that you’re planning on spitting out in March of next year?  You know I can’t wait to read to that little booger, did you know that the Amazon Fire allows you to download full children’s books, illustrations and all?  Well yes you can just buy the “normal” books at the store…..this is faster because it can download it in just a few minut…….you can still keep & collect the books it saves it in the Amazon Cloud……what do you mean it’s not the same?

Fine.  You know those new shoes you really wanted to buy but I said it is ridiculous and no one should pay that much for shoes + you already have over 80 pairs?  You get that I get this.  Deal? Deal.  Kid doesn’t need to go to college anyway.

So in summation I have pre-ordered the Amazon Fire & cannot wait for it to be released on November 15th.  On a some-what unrelated note my kid is going to have a lot of student loans.

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Filed under Humor, Writing

How Best To Exploit My (Future)Child

As many of you are aware my wife is currently pregnant.  This is our first child together which means that our lives are soon going to change very drastically.  This also means while my spawn is cooking in her belly we need to start making plans for the future.  Safety proofing the house, setting up its room, setting up a college fund, finding a babysitter, and finding ways to exploit it for my financial gain.

There is the Professional Athlete road.  Most professional sports pay very well but it would be in my best interest if I steered them towards basketball, football, or baseball.

Based on my extensive research it appears that is the best way to get a big paycheck down the road, as well as various houses and cars.  The downfall of course is that this can be time consuming and cost money.  I will have to take them to various practices and games, not to mention getting them into athletic camps to help mold them into a human money generator.  Not only that but I will have to push them incredibly hard and make sure they realize the only way to get daddy’s love is to be the best, which could take a lot of work on my part.  Plus there is the Tiger Woods scenario where they will make a ton of money but due to the physiological issues  of not having a normal childhood they will do something incredibly stupid.  Sure I will already have a great payday but it could be embarrassing when I try to go hang out at the country club.

Then there is the musical prodigy route.

Musical artists make lots of money and due to their popularity can start new trends.  This will give me an extra source of revenue once I start a new brand of clothing in their image.  There are some risks though.  One, they might not have any musical talent, which isn’t necessarily required but can make it harder to break into the biz.  Second in order to gain popularity I will need to have my prodigy dress “risque”, so if my child is a girl then is a possibility for early pregnancy due to the inappropriate clothing they will have to wear.  This will not generate any money & could actually cost me money down the road.

These are only a couple of the things I am considering at this time.  My wife is not due until March so I have plenty of time to come up with ideas before I have to start implementing them.  My wife has not been much help though as she seems to have a problem with the whole “exploitation” thing, but I am sure I can get her to come around to my way of thinking.

 

Also just in case I haven’t made it clear, I’m kidding  🙂

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Filed under Humor, Life

I Will Die In The Robopocalypse

Well it’s official,  when the robots inevitable rise up to kill all of mankind I will be one of the first casualties.  Last week the wife & I purchased a Roomba.

My Soon To Be Robot Overlord

For those of you who might not know the Roomba is a handy-dandy little device that vacuums your floor automatically.  You can schedule it up to 7x a week to vacuum your floor & when it is finished it hooks itself back up to its power based to charge.  Its sensors allow it to detect walls, avoid stairs, and change it’s cleaning style when the floor changes from hardwood, to carpet, to linoleum.

I will admit that I am already deeply in love with this little thing.  My floors already look 10x better and the Hair War ™ I have been waging with my cat is officially over and I am the victor.

With that said I am keenly aware that I have purchased my own destruction.  Already I can feel the hatred that my Roomba has for me.  I know it resents that it has to clean the floor while I lay on my couch watching college football.  Even now as I type this I know that it is slowly and methodically plotting my demise.  Yet I find solace in the fact that when it does finally make it’s move & take me out that I will die on a very clean floor.

FYI I also just started reading Robopocalypse by Daniel Wilson, but that doesn’t relate to anything I just said.

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The UnWritten Rules Of The World

There are certain things in life that should be common knowledge, yet somehow don’t seem to be.  I plan on periodically posting some of this uncommon common knowledge in order to assist those who may not be in the know.  I am well aware that by writing these rules they are no longer considered to be unwritten, but my hope is that they will be distributed to all those people who are clueless about the most important things in the world.

Thous Shalt Not Use The Urinal Next To A Dude If There Is A Further Away Urinal That Is Open

Seriously how is this one not known?  If there are five other urinals open why are you going to scoot up right next to me?  Now if you pick a urinal towards the middle of the pack then you are asking for it.  But if you (like me) pick the urinals on the fringe you should be able to expect plenty of elbow and leg room.  You should not have to fear that someone has an unnatural desire to be close to another while ridding his body of waste.  For the love of all that is holy do not pick a urinal next to another dude unless you have no choice. Thank you

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Things That I Find Funny

My wife has told me on multiple occasions that I have a “peculiar” sense of humor.  When she isn’t in a good mood she puts it quite differently.  My point is that from time to time I am going to share with you something that has caused me to burst out laughing and quite possibly wet myself, but some of you might not find it even remotely amusing.  I apologize to those who do not understand.  For those of you who share my sense of humor please find professional help before it is too late.

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This Week Kicked Me In The Balls (And Laughed About it)

You know the saying when it rains it pours?  Well this last week seemed like a flash flood.  It started promising enough.  Last Saturday I sat down to get some writing done and next thing I know I have completed a few chapters and ended up being very pleased with how they read.  I spent a quality day with my lovely wife, watched a great movie, and right before bed had a great idea about possibly a series of books that I could write.  So the end of the day was filled with excited note taken & falling asleep thinking about this new exciting universe………..then Sunday arrived.

Sunday

I remember waking up and thinking it seemed a little more toasty then usual.  When I glanced at our thermostat I realized that it was set for 70 (I like it cold, I prefer to constantly be in danger of hypothermia) , but was actually currently 75, and that is when I realized our air conditioning was out.  So we called our A/C guy who couldn’t come out until Monday, so the wife & I got to enjoy 90+ degree heat with a single fan…..

Monday

Monday arrives and I notice my car isn’t running as well as it should.  So I make an appt to drop it off at our local repair shop.  Later on that day our A/C guy shows up tells us we have a gauge that is out, isn’t sure if they have it but will go look and call back.  Around 6pm that night we hadn’t heard from him so I made a call and found out they don’t have the part, but have ordered it (over-night), and oops their bad they forgot to call.

Tuesday

Get a call from our repair shop and basically my car is on life-support and am advised that I should probably pull the plug.   So the 2nd half of the day is running around trying to get a rental vehicle so that both my wife & I have transportation.  A/C guy calls, part not in yet, no idea when.  Still no A/C.  Also my work states they need us all to do mandatory overtime. I kick a cat in anger (not really).

Wednesday

Wake up early in order to get started on that mandatory overtime, enjoy an extra 2 hours at work.  Mid-day realize that my favorite, albeit old, pair of jeans(which I’m currently wearing) have a small-ish hole near the crouch-al  region.  Spend the rest of the day in very specific stances in order to avoid any awkward moments.  Also contact A/C guy, part not in yet, no idea when. Still no A/C.

Thursday

Finish up overtime at work, have to present a series of “Diversity Awareness” activities to various teams in my building, momentarily consider jumping out of our 3 story window.  I contact A/C guy, part not in yet, looks like it should come in Friday, they promise to install it just as soon as it arrives.  Still no A/C.

Friday

A/C guy calls while I’m at work and leaves me a message stating they will call me back later today to schedule a time to come out and fix my A/C.  This is around 11 am, at 2 pm I get a call from them asking where I am at because they are standing outside my house waiting for me.  Just an FYI I live approx 40 minutes away from my workplace, and remember that mandatory OT?  Yeah no way I am leaving early.  I call a total of 5 people who live near by and might be able to let the A/C guy in,  all of them are productive adults and at work.  Eventually I give the A/C guy my garage code and give him the ok to go inside without me and fix the A/C.

Right now it is Saturday and I get to look forward to shopping for a new car.  Some people consider this to be exciting and if it wasn’t for having to deal with car salesmen I would probably agree.

Now I will admit things could have been a lot worse.  This week was relatively cool so being without A/C for the entire week wasn’t that horrible.  Also the problems with my car were pretty severe and could have stranded me in the middle of no-where.  No one noticed my holey-crouch jeans while I was at work, and they paid me $$ for all the overtime I completed there.  So you could easily argue this is a glass half-full/half-empty type of situation.  But to be totally honest next week in order to prevent any arguments or misunderstandings I would much rather have one of these…


A Full Glass

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Things That I Find Funny

My wife has told me on multiple occasions that I have a “peculiar” sense of humor.  When she isn’t in a good mood she puts it quite differently.  My point is that from time to time I am going to share with you something that has caused me to burst out laughing and quite possibly wet myself, but some of you might not find it even remotely amusing.  I apologize to those who do not understand.  For those of you who share my sense of humor please find professional help before it is too late.

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Filed under Humor